Healthy Leaders, Healthy Church Blog
LEARNING HOW TO SAY NO!
January 6, 2025
Saying no is not easy for many and especially if you are a people pleaser. The fine of art of learning when and how to say no is a necessary skill set. You need it and you can learn to develop it. Robby Gallaty in Rediscovering Discipleship uses the acrostic K.I.S.S. to remind us of how to evaluate our ministry. What do we need to Keep, what do we need to Increase, what do we need to Start, and what do we need to Stop? Easier said than done but the process of stopping some things you need to stop, removes what everyone seems to want and helps to reveal what God truly desires. It is not easy to say no to good things but often it is necessary.
Michael Hyatt sums up this issue well in his newsletter, “How to say No Without Feeling Guilty.” A good friend often reminds me to make sure that you always under-promise and over-deliver. It is far too easy to get that completely backwards. So, how do you learn how and when to say no? Michael Hyatt says that first you should “see the trade-offs -recognize what saying yes will cost you.” If you say yes to something else, what will you have to say no to? Your family? Your sanity? Your peace of mind or even your health? God never intended for you to have to be the answer to everything and everyone.
The second step Hyatt suggests is to “stop the automatic yes – pause before committing to anything.” A great answer when asked is to honestly say, “I need time to think about that, pray, look at my calendar, and get back to you.” A great skill set is learning to hit the pause button. If you are not extremely careful you will overcommit before you even realize. Keep your calendar close by and reference it often by knowing what margin, if any, you have . The temptation is to answer too quickly but Hyatt states, “Research indicates that even brief delays responding can improve decision-making and avoid insincere commitments.”
The third step is “tell the truth kindly – say no with honesty and empathy.” Saying no does not have to sound harsh or uncaring. Let them know you wish you could but you simply do not have the band width at this time. Saying no upfront will be far less of a problem then saying yes and not being able to keep your promise. Scriptures tell us to let our yay be yay and our nay be nay. Resist over-promising where you will quickly become over-extended. This is not about selfishness but rather keeping your focus on the best use of your time and not just all the good things you could be doing. Is it what God would have you to do?
Having covered a three-step process on how to say no to individual decisions and commitments, what are some big picture issues you need to say no to? Church Leaders just put out an article entitled, “3 Things Pastors Should Stop Doing in 2025.” This certainly is not an exhaustive list and you can add to it through prayer by discerning some things God desires for you to stop doing. The first one by church leaders is to “stop trying to be like other churches.” It takes all kinds of churches to reach all kinds of people but you should make sure you are in step with the Holy Spirit’s leadership. He has placed you where you are for “such a time as this.”
The second thing in 2025 is to stop “skipping your day off.” That is great advice to learn how to take advantage of sabbath in hitting the pause button in all of your activity. The world will continue functioning and God will still be on His throne without you succumbing to becoming a workaholic. Start focusing on healthy rhythms daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. As it has been said many times, you will either control your calendar or it will control you. Take a day off, schedule a date night with your wife, plan family fun time and stop making excuses. Protect that time carefully and consistently. Busy does not necessarily mean effective.
The third thing to stop doing in 2025 according to Church Leaders is “preaching to the congregation you wish you had.” There is no need to strive to be flashy in your preaching in order to hopefully be noticed by the internet crowd or a bigger church. Faithfully feed the flock God has given you. II Timothy 4:2 says, “Preach the word; be instant in season, out of season; reprove, rebuke, exhort with all long suffering and doctrine.” Be true to the text and do not be afraid to preach against sin. Calling sin what it is, sin, seems to be less and less popular today but I’m not sure it ever has been. Jesus had a fondness for saying some strong things.
Kevin DeYoung has stated, “It’s easier to get a crowd by leaving out the repentance part of conversion, but it’s not faithful to Christ. It’s not even Christianity.” If you are being mean-spirited, unkind, judgmental, spiteful, or haughty, stop that but never stop being faithful to the truths of the word of God. What a privilege it is as an under-shepherd to feed the flock He has entrusted to your care. It will not always be easy and sometimes it will be very difficult but remember what the apostle Paul said, “Am I become your enemy because I tell you the truth?” Tolerance, usually, is not love but rather unfaithfulness to God’s word.
What are some things you need to stop doing right now? Are you ready to say no when you need to say no? Can you say no honestly, kindly, and with empathy? In Simple Life by Thom and Art Rainer they state, “We saw the good become the bad because there was just too much of the good.”
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